Call me foolish
But I sit
Waiting, hoping
That you’d walk through that door
That the next face I’d see would be yours
I’d be all so confused and excited at the same time because the good company would arrive
To say that I miss you is an understatement
I would be so lost in anything I’m doing
Attempting to numb the pain
But it rises again like the tides at sea when I am through
Every time I remember you’re not here to share idle, yet meaningful moments with me
That’s what friends do
That’s what we used to do

I get that you hurt
And I that what we did was wrong
And I annoyed the black off you
Changing your skin tones
That we were getting lost in the moments
That our heads and hearts were defying logic
But saying only three words to me after it happened
Left me out at sea
I feel like a lifeboat looking for a lighthouse and holding my own on rough waves
For I have not yet healed
I’ve walked around with the baggage of my past for so long
Claiming to be fine
Truth is, I’ve always been scared of intimacy
And it’s been natural to run away before someone hurts me

But thank you
I’ve been slapped across my face with my actions
And I will wear my scars
I’ve realized how I’ve hung on to hurt and hurt you
I feel like Jonah when it comes to relationships.
Intimate or otherwise
Thanks, for I have decided to stop running
It’s a process I’m willing to go through

I’ve also realized that you are hurting within your core
This young grasshopper might be missing the point
And maybe you need your space to cope
But it struck me, that this silence is not healthy
It deafens me when I wake up in the morning and each time I go to bed
It hurts that we don’t talk in my dreams
And it leaves me wondering if you are well
If you are dealing with this issue well
I keep trying to figure out an approach or strategy not to walk on eggshells when it comes to us
Yes, us
I keep thinking of Scriptures of being there for people when it’s ugly
And I can’t help but think of coming to your rescue, Bruce
You have not stood at my cave and called my name
But I want to break down the walls that separate you from freedom, even if you reside in a sanctuary
We are a team in Christendom
There is a reason why all is coming to light now after years of admiration and a couple of months of confession

And I confess, that currently, my words are about how I feel
And what I can see happening
I’ve turned the lights on
We don’t have to text back and forth or see each other every week
We don’t have to have to tease each other for me to know that something is wrong here
I feel it in my bones and tummy hurts on the regular
And I can’t shake the feeling, I’m still fond of you
But it would be good if we could mend our fences as good neighbours should
Because I feel too much bad blood flowing between us
Is this the first plague of Egypt?
This is what none of us wants
Good friends are hard to find, and it would be such a shame if I lost you
You’re a keeper and appreciate you

But in the meantime,
You know where to find me
In my own little corner in your neighborhood
Foolish me
Waiting and hoping
And we’ll smile again
In the meantime, I’ll pray for you that you heal
That you will love you hard as Jesus intends
In the meantime, I’ll hang on to good memories and positive interactions,
for you too are a beautiful soul
In the meantime, I’ll have you in my heart and nowhere else

^{Photo by Anna Might (IG:@annamighttakepics)}