Forgive me, but I need some answers…

My niece celebrated her fifth birthday recently. My family spent some time with her at a well-known restaurant that cool night. We chatted and laughed over a shared meal. During our festivities, I remembered a request from my cousin, that I would get something special for her on my way back home. So, I left the gathering to fulfill that request. On my way back, I saw a non-family member at our table. A lady. She wasn’t a family friend. She wasn’t someone from my past. It was a stranger. Immediately, I had anxiety levels that rivaled gas prices. 

Nothing was out of place. She was just having a calm conversation with my family. Although this was the case, I was on the edge. I signaled to my brother and questioned what was happening. Was she here to ask for money? Was she mentally ill and wanted to scam my family? I took a good look at her face in the dim light. I went to my space and sat down, ready for any eventuality. I became like a mother bear, cautious and defensive of her cubs. I listened in on the conversations my father was having with her. There was nothing untoward. She complimented us and expressed that we were a lovely family. My senses had every reason to be disarmed. Still, I was ready to attack if anything went sideways. 

While we were on our way home, we concluded that she seemed to be a lonely lady. She just came over to our table to strike up a conversation. My fears turned to compassion. However, I did not feel bad for being on edge. I knew where the feeling came from. I understood it all too well. It screamed, “I live in Jamaica and anything can happen”. 

That’s the tough thing about this country, and dare I say with this life.  We are made to feel a deeper level of fear because of life’s occurrences. We see the news headlines. A man gets killed while trying to buy groceries for his family. A woman gets raped on her way home from work. I am definitely grateful for the “buddy / accountability” system that folks put in place to keep safe. However, that does not always work. People don’t necessarily mean you well. In fact, they will lure you into a false sense of security and take you down while your guard is down. And on the flip side, those who come in peace are asked to stay at arm’s length because we don’t know what their true intentions are. 

I must admit, it is a tough place to be in. It’s not healthy. The what-ifs fill your head. You scan the room, preparing for any eventuality. Your body is always tense and in defense mode. You are waiting for a bomb to drop. You won’t give yourself a space to breathe in the name of safety and security. 

This harsh reality that we have to face each day: people need grace, but they are hard to trust. Usually, I would have solutions and healthy conclusions to these issues. But I wrestle with this. What are we to do? How are we supposed to act? One bit of advice I can give is to be as safe as possible. That’s most significant. 

_{Photo by Anna Might Take Pics}