Hi, I’m Anna and I suffer from self-sufficiency.

To many this may not be a problem, but when your health suffers because of it, it is. 

I have been an advocate for community since my teenage years. I believe that individuals should help each other in any way we can. In fact, no one is an island. Even islands need assistance from other countries. We were never created to stand alone. Which comes to my problem. Though I believe this, I have not fully acted it out.

Recently, I realized why I am the way I am. Most of my years have been filled with disappointment and rejection from friends and extended family. Think of a group project. You do the assignment, giving your best to get a good grade. Unfortunately, your group members do nothing to contribute to initiative. With life, this group project scenario has been recurring. Therefore, to cope and to avoid the drama, I opted to learn and execute. 

Persons praise me for my talents. It is true, I am talented. However, if I am honest with myself, a few of the “stars in my crown” are partially as a result of learning not to depend on people too much. When I needed a hair stylist as a child, I was blown off, so I learnt to do my own hair. I delegate tasks as a leader with a back up plan in mind. It is like I expect people to constantly fail me. Well, everyone except my Tribe. There is no milestone deemed insignificant with us. No tragedy is deemed as minor. We always rally around each other. I guess I see the Tribe as a standard.

I am the helper. I am the supportive type. I am the loud, boisterous cheerleader in the corners of friends and family. Add sports individuals to this list. I will always try to give a helping hand whenever I can, as long as I can. While I try at all times to be dependable and reliable, not everyone has that kind of heart. Being burned too many times has resulted in me not asking for help when I need it. I’m stressed out more than I should. My body feels it most days. If I do reach out, I prepare myself for rejection. After all, it is a constant feature of life. If I do get help, I question the motives of said persons. To be honest, that’s not a good space to be in. It is not physically and emotionally healthy. I guess being self-sufficient is a childhood trauma that I am yet to heal from. I know I am not the only one.

In my reflections, I realized these walls I have up are actually punishing the ones who do care and want to help. They are not the ones who saw supporting me as a burden. They are not the ones who disappointed me perpetually. I am slowly learning to let people in, where help is concerned. It is okay that I am not superhuman. I am learning that it is okay to try again although I have been hit by disappointment. There are a few people left in this world who are dependable and they are in my space. I am learning that no one will know my needs are valid if I don’t express them. I am learning that not all will see my needs as valid. I am learning that I need to give myself grace in my self-sufficient state. I may not have it down pat in a couple months or years, but I can keep learning and adjusting. Like a flower, I need time to grow.

I know the world has this “do it yourself” mentality. However, it’s not sustainable. There are days when I will need to stand by myself. There are days when I will need someone to walk with me when I cannot be strong for myself. May the Lord give us the wisdom to figure out when to do either one. I pray that we will learn to be interdependent and we will heal from the disease of self-sufficiency. 

^{Photo by Akeil Harris (IG: @robby_.photos)}